you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
