WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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