dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
