Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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