I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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