Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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