my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
