I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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