She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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