I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
