I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
