Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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