I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
