Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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