I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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