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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
