just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
