i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize