i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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