Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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