I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
