Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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