Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
