I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
