I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
