i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
