am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
