you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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