I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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