He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
