Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
