Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
