just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
