You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
