I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize