This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
