I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
