How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
