I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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