i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
