Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
