Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
