grandma shit on top of the toilet
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
