Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
