PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
