Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
