My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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