if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
