Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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