that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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