drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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