Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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