I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
