I wish they made helmets for livers.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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