i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
