Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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